I recently indulged in one of P.G. Wodehouse’s mischievous novels, Heavy Weather. Heavy Weather is part of the Blandings Castle series of stories set at the estate of Lord Emsworth and his family and, as always, involves his beloved pig The Empress of Blandings.
Every P. G. Wodehouse novel is rife with gloriously silly schemes which more or less fail spectacularly. In Heavy Weather, detective Percy Pilbeam has been hired by Lord Emsworth to watch over his pig but he is soon employed by rival parties, namely Lady Constance, Sir Gregory Parsloe and Lord Tilbury, to secure a potentially scandalous manuscript by the Hon. Galahad, Lord Emsworth’s younger brother. Needless to say, each party has their own dubious reasons to secure, possess or destroy said manuscript and that the coveted pages change hands several times as the plot unfolds.
When Percy Pilbeam finally gets his hands on the manuscript, he finds the perfect hiding place for it in an empty shed, unaware that this is the Blandings pigsty. The next morning, as he is about to retrieve the potentially lucrative pages, he encounters the Empress of Blandings chomping through the last pieces of paper. This does not deter Percy Pilbeam to try and sell the manuscript, however, he then plans to simply pretend to Lord Tilbury that he’s still in possession of it.
Here is the scene of the sale, with much succinct breathing to be heard:
Percy Pilbeam and Lord Tilbury are in a backroom of the Emsworth Arms pub and Monty Bodkin, a young gentleman, observes from a window. Lord Tilbury has just asked Percy Pilbeam to reveal the location of the manuscript.
„The crucial moment had arrived, and Pilbeam braced himself to cope with it.
„Ah!“ he said. „I think, perhaps, before I tell you that, we had better just get the business end of the thing settled, eh? If you have your cheque-book handy..“
„But, my dear Pilbeam, surely, you do not expect me to pay before…?“
„Quite,“ said the detective, and held his breath. His stake was on the board and the wheel had begun to spin.
It seemed to Monty that Lord Tilbury also must be holding his breath, for there followed a long silence. When he did speak, his tone was that of a man who has been wounded.
„Well, really, Pilbeam! I think you might trust me.“
„Trust nobody“ is the Pilbeam family motto,“ replied the detective with a return of what might be called his telephone manner.
„But how am I to know…?“
„You’ve got to trust me,“ said Pilbeam brightly. „Of course,“ he went on, „if you don’t like that way of doing business, well, in that case, I suppose the deal falls through. No hard feelings on either side. I simply go back to the castle and take the matter up with Sir Gregory Parsloe and Lady Constance. They want that manuscript just as much as you do, though, of course, their reasons aren’t the same as yours. They want to destroy it. Parsloe’s original offer was five hundred pounds, but I shall have no difficulty in making him improve on that…“
„Five hundred pounds is a great deal of money,“ said Lord Tilbury, as if he were having a tooth out.
„It’s not nearly as much as a thousand,“ replied Pilbeam, as if he were a light-hearted dentist „and you agreed to that on the telephone.“
„Yes, but then I assumed that you would be bringing…“
„Well, take it or leave it, Tilbury, take it or leave it,“ said the detective, and from the little crackling splutter which followed the words Monty deduced that he was doing what we are so strongly advised to do when we wish to appear nonchalant, lighting a cigarette. „Good!“ he said a moment later. „I think you’re wise. Make it open, if you don’t mind.“
There was a pause. The heavy breathing that came through the window could only be that of a parsimonious man occupied in writing a cheque for a thousand pounds. It is a type of breathing which it is impossible to mistake, though in some respects it closely resembles the sound of a strong man’s death agony.
„There!“
„Thanks.“
„And now-?““
Percy Pilbeam instructs Lord Tilbury how to get to the pigsty at Blandings Castle and tells him that he will find the manuscript under the haystack. He also informs Lord Tilbury that he will likely encounter Lord Emsworth’s pig, the Empress of Blandings there as well. Fortunately this turns out not to be a problem for Lord Tilbury „I’m not afraid of pigs. Pigs like me…“